“You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation… and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else.”—Hermann Hesse, Wer lieben kann, ist glücklich. Über die Lieb (via negromodelo)
i have hit my breaking point with my body failing on me and being sick.
i am scared, because i feel like something terrible has to be wrong with me. i am scared that moving away from home and going to school was a mistake. i am frustrated, because no one can figure out what is wrong with me. i am frustrated that i never feel validated in my pain. sometimes i just need to hear AND tell myself that, “i am in pain. i deserve to rest. i deserve to take care of my body. i can’t do 50- 60 hour weeks no matter how hard i try. my body is telling me to slow down.” i can tell that even some of the people who love me/i love the most feel like i am being over dramatic and i should suck it up. i understand why it is confusing to them, because they don’t feel what i constantly feel. i am good at hiding my illness. most people in my life see my up-beat and smiling face more than anything else, because i have gotten so good at masking my pain after so many years. it wears on me to feel like i am being misunderstood.
i don’t know what to do anymore. trying to take care of my body/find a diagnosis and being highly successful in my industry/taking on opportunities of a lifetime is kicking my ass. i will be so proud of myself if/when i graduate. it seems so impossible and far away right now. i am going to keep pushing though, until something, somewhere gives. tomorrow is a fresh start.