i have been crying for four hours.
i have hit my breaking point with my body failing on me and being sick.
i am scared, because i feel like something terrible has to be wrong with me. i am scared that moving away from home and going to school was a mistake. i am frustrated, because no one can figure out what is wrong with me. i am frustrated that i never feel validated in my pain. sometimes i just need to hear AND tell myself that “i am in pain. i deserve to rest. i deserve to take care of my body. i can’t do 50- 60 hour weeks no matter how hard i try. my body is telling me to slow down.” i can tell that even some of the people who love me/i love the most feel like i am being over dramatic and i should suck it up. i understand why it is confusing to them, because they don’t feel what i constantly feel. i am good at hiding my illness. most people in my life see my up-beat and smiling face more than anything else, because i have gotten so good at masking my pain after so many years. it wears on me to feel like i am being misunderstood.
i don’t know what to do anymore. trying to take care of body/find a diagnosis and being highly successful in my industry/taking on opportunities of a lifetime is kicking my ass. i will be so proud of myself if/when i graduate. it seems so impossible and far away right now. i am going to keep pushing though until something, somewhere gives. tomorrow is a fresh start.
The hottest girl babes keep coming to me to get their hair done.
And it makes me so nervous//anxious//hot&bothered.
'Me time' is so important.
I cherish it more than anything.
I don’t think I could ever live with a significant other.
*tells babe about the big meal I am making him for lunch and starts it, then makes him cook the rest while I stay in bed*
I pinched my sciatic nerve, which means I can’t:
Bend my spine aka sit upright, bend over
Go to school
Roll over by myself in bed
Mondo has been my servant tonight. Can’t wait to not feel like this.
Been working my ass off.
Chasing my dreams of high end make up retail and helping people realize how beautiful they are daily and sculpting hair and being a day maker.
Chronic illness, 50 hour weeks, clean house, satisfying relationship, maintaining friendships the very best i can.
Negativity and haters can kiss my ass.
Being jealous and gluttonous makes me feel incredibly ugly and gross. It’s hard to not feel envy for all the extremely amazing women in my life or for all the past girls you invited into your bed so carelessly and it’s hard to not stuff my belly full of unneeded bowls of pasta or sleep for 16 hours straight or kiss you in the same exact patch of skin over a hundred times.
But I am so damn good at it.