She imagines him imagining her.
This is her salvation.
— Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin (via abattoirette)
Now I can breath again.
Today has been the shittiest day. I have cried for 10 hours straight. And I fucking miss him and I can’t help it.
He talked to me and it helped a little. A little closure is better than none.
So now I have a wicked migraine and dry heaves because I can’t eat. :’) fuck falling in love and breaking up while you’re both still in love.
Side note: there has been over 20 women who have messaged me in support and the kindest words. That is so badass and postive and I’m glad at least someone can see recovery for me.
only comfort i can find is that we had a really good love with a lot of laughter and it was real and for right now we still do love each other and i know this has to hurt you too.
and that i have klonopin, and i get to go home in 48 hours and nestle into my mama and sarah and matt and jordy and home for awhile next week. get away from everything here that is him.
i hate that first initial break up phase where everything is so raw and you can’t stop bawling hysterically into a pillow and your body aches of panic and everything you look at reminds you of him/her because you just spent the last four months together in this room and you want to burn your sheets that he slept in last night and had sex with you in and it is so confusing to break up with someone when you are still in love with each other and he deleted me on all his social networks and i keep finding his hairs in my clothes and his clothes in my clothes and his stupid left over pizza is here from last night in the fridge and i fucking miss him and i am crying because i wish i knew yesterday was the last day and i can’t believe i have to keep going about my life with out him.
You made a home in my room. I want to throw everything away.
i loved the sweetest boy for the last four months. he filled me with so much love and kisses and laughter. he is my best friend. i have no idea how i will shake him or fall asleep with out his arms around my chest.
he also loved alcohol and i hated who he was when he drank. he wasn’t the man i loved at all. he lost his manners and grace and intelligence. he ultimately chose alcohol and the life that goes with it.
i am broken. i swore i wouldn’t get here again. i don’t want to do this. i don’t want to be alone or with out him. he is so important to me and i am going to miss him so much.
we ended with telling each other how much we loved one another…
-I don’t drink.
-my boyfriend is someone I do not like at all when he is drunk and it fucking sucks.
He walked home cuz I literally just can not and I’m not putting up with triggers and I just do not like alcohol.
So now it’s klonopin/brooding/painting nails time.